Happy Birthday To Me…

When I started this blog 2 years ago, one of my earliest posts was about my birthday and how my husband gave me a calculator and got us burgers from a fast food place for dinner. I had thought that, 2 years later, he would have gotten a little better at the whole birthday thing. Guess what? I was wrong.

First, my husband proudly proclaimed that he was taking me to dinner and I got excited. We hadn’t been out to dinner since 5 months earlier when we celebrated our anniversary and I was itching for a night out. I asked him who he arranged to babysit our daughter and got a blank stare in reply. “Umm…Isn’t your  mother coming over?” Well, she was coming over in the afternoon but had to leave by 4:30, which I had already told him and he either (a) wasn’t listening or (b) didn’t believe me. So dinner was a no-go.

Then around mid-afternoon, I said to him, “there will be cake, right?” Here’s the thing: I don’t need or want fancy gifts for my birthday. I  have a wonderful family and that’s enough for me. I certainly didn’t want my husband spending a lot of money (that we don’t have) on extravagant presents. But the one thing I do require is a cake and a candle. Maybe it’s a superstition of mine or maybe it’s just a ritual that makes me feel good but I like to blow out a candle and make a wish for the year ahead. It’s something I’ve been doing for as long as I can remember and it’s not a birthday without it. My husband’s response to my question? Yet another blank stare. “Umm…where can I get a cake around here?”

This is when I knew that things were not going to go the way I had hoped. I told him he could buy cake mix from the store and do it himself. That didn’t go over too well. Apparently, he’s never baked a cake before and didn’t feel a whole lot of confidence in attempting it. Eventually, after much back-and-forth, we drove over to a cupcake shop and he waited in the car while I went inside and had to buy my own birthday cupcake. I reminded my husband that I would at least like a candle on my cupcake and when he ran down to the drugstore that evening, I figured that there would be one thing that he didn’t mess up.

After dinner (leftovers. yes, instead of getting a nice dinner out, I got reheated leftovers.), my husband asked me if I was ready for my cupcake. I said that I would and expected to be presented with a cupcake on a plate with a candle on top and get sung ‘happy birthday’ to. Instead, he plopped the cupcake down in front of me – still in its box. That was it. No singing. No fancy presentation. No candle. And when I expressed my sadness at not getting at least a candle to blow out and make a wish on, he actually got a chopstick out of the kitchen drawer and tried to light that. It burnt out before I even got near it.

I didn't even get dinner on a nice dish. Just the take-out carton it came in.


63 responses to “Happy Birthday To Me…

  1. I feel your pain…. I don’t need a fuss but, at least show me you remembered my b’day. For my last birthday, i got a whistle, yes that’s right, a whistle, just like this; http://www.chinatraderonline.com/files3/2010-8/16/jailer-key-chain-ring-and-whistle-15243830797.jpg
    (he was thoughtful enough to get it in pink) and a box of candles, yep that’s right, he gave me a box of candles and said, “i just didn’t get a cake to put them in”. The kicker was the card, he took the time to pick out, and couldn’t even bother to sign it, in addition the card said, Happy B’day, Happy Anniversary, happy valentines, happy holidays… and exclaimed this card should cover him until next year.

  2. Happy birthday!

  3. Please have your husband read this piece I wrote on how to be a good gift giver. It might help –if he’s motivated (I’ll leave that to you). http://outtacontext.com/life/archive/000278.shtml

  4. So..this post reminded me of this post, in that they are complete opposites.


    • They are complete opposites, aren’t they? Ha! Here’s the thing: my husband is great, he really is. I have no doubt that he loves me and he has no problem showing it. But what he does have a problem with are details. He’s just not a details guy so unfortunately stuff like dinner, cake and candles will often fall by the wayside. Sometimes it bums me out but I’ll get over it because of the many other ways he shows me and tells me how much he loves me.

  5. Happy Birthday, girl! Oh, I’ve had a crummy day, but reading this got the ol’ crocodile tears going. I know the feeling. If it’s any consolation, my husband once gave me a commode (new, he got free from a buddy; replacement for broken toilet in our only bathroom). Another year I was bestowed with a 75″ water hose (he heard me mention we needed a longer hose once… idiot!). In 20 years he’s brought me flowers three times.

    Just now he offered to microwave me a corn dog -The man’s a prince. It’s the little things we should appreciate, right? Ugh.

    I’m Lil, a huge fan and supporter of @Standupkid.

    P.S. Congratulations on success of your baby walking!

    • Truthful Nacho

      You’re a fan of standup kid and I like pizza. He should go hang out on Reddit while the women are talking.

  6. Wife,

    Clearly, I’m not winning hearts and minds on this one. Not even one guy has backed me. In fact, they’re running for the hills in fear of being dragged down by association.

    So here’s my promise: I’m fixing this, and I will report as such to MHIA readers to decide if I can be released from the blogdoghouse.


    Husband (Very Very Annoying)

  7. sadly, “expectation is the root of all heartache.” i keep reminding myself of this. 😦

  8. Sincere tears… just learned “crocodile tears” mean fake tears. No, no, they were real tears. Like I said, emotional day; wish everyone happiness and all things perfect. I saw above, Mark’s gonna work on it. He’s smart; baby steps. Ha.

    Love your blog 🙂

  9. This wasn’t annoying. This was just sad. I’m glad he says he’s going to make it right.

  10. First, Happy Birthday with cake and candles and dinner out! Second, best wishes on your very, very annoying husband making the first one happen.

  11. I’m not sure if it’s sad or refreshing to know I’m not the only one who has a husband like this. I just had my birthday and I got no dinner, a leftover cupcake from my daughters bday days earlier and I had a really bad day at work. My husband sentme a text saying “wait till you get your gift”.

    When I got home, my gift was him giving me back the massage gift certificate I bought for him for fathers day. He asked me not to think of it as a re-gift because we could go together and get a couples massage (with him using the OTHER massage certificate I got him. But to do it, io have to find a sitter & pay for that, not to mention I BOUGHT MY OWN GIFT!

    Ps-my husband loves massages so it’s not that he didn’t want to use the certificate. It’s just that he’s so lazy it was the easiest thing for him to do.

  12. Happy Birthday! My dh and I agreed long ago to give each other the gift of NOT having to come up with gifts. We do cards only and believe me, it makes me happy every birthday of his that I don’t have to shop and every birthday of mine that I don’t have to pretend to like whatever.

  13. My husband does remember my birthdays, thanks to my daughter, so when she leaves to get married I don’t know who is going to remind him. As it is he never remembers our wedding anniversary and most years just pass without a murmur. Your reheated meal looks awful by the way!

  14. I just found this site (watching Tyra) and I love it!! I’m 22, have a 3 year old son, and got married a few months ago! So nice to hear someone who shares the annoying things 🙂 my list consists mainly of : his snoring, biting of fingernails, even when I hand him clippers, and him trying to kiss me right in the door from work (he’s a mechanic, and comes home covered in grease and transmission fluid) that, and him leaving the nasty work clothes in the bathroom floor, instead of putting them into the washer I always leave empty for him. Still love him though 🙂

  15. That post was excellent. I just saw the story about it on the Tyra show.

  16. i just saw you on tyra! good job! i just started a wordpress like 2 weeks ago and my inspiration was also my husband. its so comforting to see i’m not the only one who is sometimes annoyed by my husband but we cant live without them!

  17. Am I the only one who thinks anyone (husband or wife) who does this to their spouse is…well, more than disappointing? Make an effort! A birthday comes once a year, for crying out loud!

  18. I’m so sorry your birthday was a bust. Every birthday of mine is a bust. My husband had a massive heart attack at 39 years old. He passed away. I was left alone with our children, the youngest being 2. I wish I had my husband to give me disappointing gifts. I’d hug him and never let him go. Please put everything into perspective and enjoy his other qualities.

  19. I can’t remember how I got here — seems to me I was shopping online for purses — but I’m glad I read this. For the last four days I’ve been smarting about my SO’s (Mr. Will Never Be My Husband, we’ve been together three years) choice of birthday gifts for me: two family size chocolate bars and a bag of chocolate covered blueberries. Turns out that the chocolate bars were on sale with multiples of four, so he got two for himself. I usually get a meal out but this week was pretty busy with evening commitments for both of us so I was happy enough with fast food as I had to dash off to a meeting at 7 PM. Except that the Greek place we went to doesn’t take debit cards and he had no cash on him, so I had to pay for my own burger and fries birthday dinner take-out. *sigh* Glad I’m not the only one!

  20. I have to say that this post deeply touched me – unfortunately it is not because I only felt sad for you but because I know exactly how you feel. My birthday this year (only a week before yours) was pretty much just as bad. Just like you I also love my husband dearly but turning my bday into a drag that I will now try to avoid is VERY annoying. I actually want to do everything in my power to NOT spend it with him next year – it just makes me sad to hope and hope that he will make me feel special (as I always try to make HIM feel on his bday) and be disappointed every time. 😦
    I basically spent the entire day literally by myself, got home and there were no flowers, cards or presents – he got home at 10pm with 3 sunflowers and that was it. I even went out to eat alone…

  21. People think Gay men and Straight men are different, well they are not! Today is my Birthday and I got a candle, a bag of Dunkin Donuts pumpkin spice coffee, and a box of M&M’s. We have been married for almost three years and I basically do everything for him. Is it our age, we are 23, I know he loves me, so what could it be? Is he a complete idiot- no dinner plans, I had to make dinner for him and then he asked to have a nap for 45 minutes… Really!?

  22. lol i love this site! My SO of 7 years (not married) gets me the worst gifts ever! For christmas last year he got me a bobblehead…yes a bobblehead. I actually wanted to cry when I opened it especially since I told him what I wanted before hand(nothing fancy, a magazine subscription, perfume, power tools, e.t.c, anything like that). The year before a gift certificate to a salon-I have gotten a pedicure once or twice in the time we have been together(I cut and dye my own hair) …..to his discredit a friend had told him to get me that. But I love him dearly, he is a man, they don’t get details! He at least remembers my birthdays and anniversaries, and will surprise me with something other days of the year. He does the dishes without me asking and is always willing to help if I ask. So I’ll take that over a great gift anytime!

  23. oh gosh! I know how it feels. Sucks big time, but the way you wrote it made me laughed thinking about my own husband. He is also sleeping on the couch with his mouth open like yours.

  24. Oh my goodness. That is pathetic and rude! What is wrong with guys. I am having a hard time getting along with my husband right now too and this would have sent me over the edge. I hope you still managed to have a good birthday, despite his pitiful efforts. I feel for ya!!

  25. same here, you would expect ur husband to make an effort once a year for your birthday..this year for my bday I got manly shorts 2 sizes up…no flowers no card, there’s a mothers day gift sitting in a bag right I front of me, don’t feel like opening it….

  26. You know, there are things that husbands do that are annoying and then there are things that are hurtful. I think not making an effort to show his love is hurtful. My ex-husband, who was the world’s BIGGEST mama’s boy, once left a huge mess in the kitchen for me to find- and clean up- on his birthday, because his mom called him and said she needed some help at her place. The guy I am dating now might chew his gum too loudly and talk about computer programming stuff that I don’t give two cents about but he shows me he cares. I feel loved with him. Huge difference.

  27. You know, you sound like a very annoying wife and I am so sorry to tell you that. There are certain things that man are not good at. Like guessing what women like. You had to make everything clear way before your birthday. Not a day ahead.

    You are wining like a little kid. There are more important things in life then singing you a happy birthday song. For some men it is embarrassing to sing. Just accept it!

    Stop wining on websites. Instead treat your men with a good massage or something better and he will run to the store and will bring you the best cake (with the candle) ever.

    Do you ever do things for him?
    You sound like you don’t! I understand your frustrating, but If I tell you how unlucky you are, it will make things even worse.

    I am sure your husband loves you. He is just type of men that does not get those simple things. He sound for me very honest and pure guy.

    I know men that bring, cakes, gift, and diamonds, but have tons of women on the side to please as well. So which one you like more?

    Suck it up, treat your husband the way you want to be treated and enjoy Life!

    • Truthful Nacho

      Congratulations- you are thoroughly brainwashed into genderland.

      The only difference between men and women and their capabilities is that women can make babies and men cannot. We all know this. Brains are not sexed. No one is born with a gender. If a man wants to help, he will. If he is lazy, he will pretend he is incapable and screw everything up just so he won’t be asked again.

      And stop with the diamonds. Haha. They only do that when they want to lock down a broodmare, silly. Men aren’t just going to give gifts to the members of the oppressed class for nothing!


  28. I’m really sorry. This makes me cry. I have my own husband issues but at least he can give me a candle and cake. You have a high tolerance for his stupidity. And you dont sound annoying! Nope, not annoyed one bit.

  29. My husband does try to make a big deal out of my birthday. I really appreciate it. Fortunately for him, I don’t require a cake or a nice, surprise gift. I do require at least a card and get to do whatever I want all day. We eat where I want, go buy chocolates, a gift, etc. I’m so glad that is all I expect. I think it comes from years of being alone. When he was deployed, he got in contact with my friends and had flowers delivered to our house, even though we live in Europe. He also set up a spa day.
    Mother’s Day is another story. He did not get me a card or flowers for my first Mother’s Day. I think we went downtown to buy chocolates, but it wasn’t enough for me. I’m still hurt by that, but when I suggested he get nothing for his first Father’s Day, he was so hurt by the idea, that I feel we are even. He didn’t call in any favors for the next Mother’s Day, and I was pretty upset, but he eventually drew me a wonderful card and showed it to me via Skype.

  30. Omg I just stumbled on this website this morning. This is hilarious! THANK YOU for reminding me I am not the only one with a husband -who I love deeply- with too many tissues in his pockets and who thinks burger king is a special night out. I was totally annoyed with him this morning, but laughter really is the best medicine. I am following via rss now and telling friends about this site. Take care. -J

  31. I am sorry, but forgetting wife’s birthday is not a case of “well he has a problem with details.” And certainly it is not ” oh, he shows me that he loves me in other ways”. When it is convenient for him, he shows you his “love”, I would say. Love consists of small showings of careful thought and attention, showing that we CARE. Congratulating and remembering your wife’s birthday is a respect towards a person you share your life with -and it is once a year. It does not have to be elaborate gift. But something appropriate and thoughtful, what the birthday person wishes is a sign of good upbringing and respect. Even ONE RED ROSE shows that, on this special day, I care about you. Everything else is just giving guys a free pass.

  32. Also, women, please, please, teach your children, especially little boys the art of giving, wrapping presents, writing beautiful birthday cards and importance of congratulating birthday to others. Start when they are really young. Remember, we, as mothers, have the most important responsibility – to teach our children to become thoughtful and kind. Teach little boys to fold the laundry, clean after themselves, dust and vacuum, wash the dishes and cook from the young age. Then it will become their habit. One day your future daughter-in-law will thank you!

    • Truthful Nacho

      Stop and think about what you’re saying. You’re telling women to do it all because men are incapable. The point of this blog is to show that men CHOOSE not to help.

      No one has a guarantee of a future daughter in law at all. Marriage is the institutionalization of women’s oppression, no matter how much glitter and taffeta you include.

      You’re right that males need to do housework like the rest of us. They say they are naturally rocket scientists but cannot remember a birthday? Wow. Ignoring a loved one’s birthday is not something a smart person does.

  33. I found this post because it will be my birthday on Sunday. I know my husband will not “forget” he deliberately ignores. Valentines, anniversaries birthdays, Mother’s Day he loves to ignore me. It’s because I don’t “Pay him rent.” (I earn less … long story … I hate that I can’t right now … I am taking care of our little boy, his daycare, some child support, and I do EVERYTHING at home by myself.) He calls me a “housewife” with disdain and thinks he can curtail who/what I do. Each Christmas he goes out on Christmas eve and really does get a few nice things, which surprises me every time, so happy.

    He most likely won’t even LET me have my own plans for my birthday. Really … even though I want to go out for a few hours have some fun with a lady friend (which I have few of, we moved here and it’s hard … I’ve never been good at “lady friends” I’ve always had “guy friends” but don’t “go there” with them–if you know what I mean.) So it’s a big deal to FIND a friend and make plans. He “won’t let me go out” because there will be men at the bar, ahem … welcome to the real world .., where is there a bar of mostly cool, normal girls ready to be friendly with one another, where guys are fewer and at THEIR service … wouldn’t that be cool? That’s what men have with one another. Well … he doesn’t take me out … or remember my birthday. I think young ladies should THINK TWICE about ever
    getting married. It’s a ruse to make you a servant. No really. It is.

    It’s bull-frigging-lony. Really I’m glad it’s funny … but really … it’s not.

    • He won’t let you out… You’re kidding aren’t you? Your not the house cat to be let in and out.
      Females tend to forget that it is they who empower … or not… males in the first place… starting with giving them birth.

  34. Maybe you are fat. Maybe you annoy him. Maybe he just is not that into you.

  35. I have tears in my eyes as I type this. I have a great husband in most aspects but gift giving is an extreme weak point with him. It seems like if it is not important to him it’s not important and shouldn’t be important to me. Before we got married he bought me gifts for every holiday. Now, nothing, unless he ‘lets’ me buy it myself. He has told me in the past that I shouldn’t expect gifts and that it was just a way for retailers to make money. This has made me feel stupid for feeling this way and guilty for wanting to receive a gift. Last year a friend of ours made me a homemade ice cream cake and had a dinner party on my birthday, it was wonderful to be made to feel special on ‘my’ day. But he just gets mad at anyone that makes him look bad when it come to doing something special. Like it’s a bad thing if they are more considerate and I happen to notice and want the same. He did get me a card but I’m sure only because I had a meltdown on Valentines day when he didn’t even do that. His mother got me a card too. We went out to dinner, which is also nothing special because we do that a lot anyway. I was hoping he would have at least invited a couple of friends because he knows that I am a social person and love to go out with friends. Which we haven’t done in a while. Didn’t happen. I screwed up on Valentines day and let the guilt get to me. I told him I didn’t want anything, which was a lie but I thought I could handle the disappointment better if I just told him that up front rather than just not getting anything as usual and then dealing with the disappointment later. It didn’t work, in the back of my mind I was still hoping he would read between the lines and do something nice anyway. Didn’t happen. So I came right out and told him what he could get me for my birthday. I also mention the chocolate covered coffee beans I really like at least 3 times, hoping he would take a hint on that. Didn’t happen. I think of all the things I do for him because it is important to him even though it’s not as important to me and wander why he cannot do the same for me. It’s 2 times a year!! Is it that hard to do 2 times a year??

    • You told him you weren’t expecting anything? I was wondering what would happen if you aimed a little higher? They say, “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.”
      Accordingly, personally I have dropped hints to my partner that I like Lamborghinis. I know that neither I, nor my partner, can afford to buy one, but perhaps he could rent one for me for a day? I think those cars are so beautiful and just perfect to drive for a lady, such a responsive yet gentle deep throated wrooom sounding engine….
      (In my younger days I was preparing to be a missionary and am not much into material stuff, but he is. Therefore, it made sense to me to go one step further than him. After all, one needs to earn a person’s respect.)
      All the while I show genuine heart felt happiness and gratitude for whatever he does for me… And check out, expectantly, every Lamborghini we come across.
      I used to hope that my partner would be as thoughtful and considerate towards me as I was towards him. Then I realized that he has a right to be himself, whatever that is, and I have a duty to myself… if that Lamborghini ever becomes important enough to me, I’ll just rent it myself. And if he is in luck, I may invite him along for the ride.
      A person is too precious to allow someone else to determine their happiness. The other undividual may not get it right either because they don’t care or they don’t know how to make you happy. Being emotionally dependent on another person or on drugs etc is giving up your freedom, volunteer slavery, as I see it.

  36. Mine remembered but decided to start spending it with another guy friend and hung up the phone on me when I called him… on my birthday!
    Then, he wouldn’t make it up in the same weekend… stating my birthday had passed and he didn’t want to spend a dollar. JERK!

  37. Your story is bad, but one year I did not get a present or a cake on my birthday. My husband had the nerve to tell me I hurt his feelings for telling him that I was upset about it. This is how it works around here. He makes the whole situation about him even if he is the one who messed up.

  38. Dear lady who got left overs and a cup cake for her birthday…. Hmm…. Can I tell you what semed to work for me…. I remember that for our 12th anniversary (which he knew was so special to me) my partner spent the day defrosting his refrigerator. I said nothing, just stewed to myself. But, it got me thinking about what I would have liked. So, I went to the wine store and got Napa wine, at the bakery I ordered custom made lemon merange pie, at the flower shop I bought flowers which I arranged in Ikebana style. Next I picked up a small bottle of my favourite genuine perfume by Channel No 5 – passed on a Channel purse though because it cost $4000, but made a note of it for future reference. Then I celebrated with him – me enjoying all the things I would have liked him to get me. I could have put it on his tab – but I chose not to.

    On his birthday… I have always got him the latest and best electronic gadgets he desired and he likes to live large. It was time to reconsider. What do I use at his house? I got him a slow cooker as his gift, and he got to buy the meat and prepare it and by the time I came over it was ready to eat. Now all celebrations include the idea, what am I getting out of it? I came to realize that you need to teach people how to treat you. It took me a while but I realize now the best gift I ever gave him was how to make me happy!

  39. Another thing, I put in his ipad, email calendar, etc etc reminders about any special days for me, way in advance – next 5 years with several reminders. After a while it became a routine, his routine, to celebrate with his partner regularly.

  40. This is an update – writing in his weekly calendar Wednesdays are his days for ME … So far he always keeps the day open for us. The really nice thing is he thinks its his idea and of course I make him really happy those days so he looks forward to next week’s Wednesday. I noticed after a couple of months I don’t even have to enter it myself – he does!

  41. You remind me of so many of my female friends…
    Friend 1: “My husband doesn’t know how to clean anything!”
    Me: “Doesn’t your husband design satellites for a living?”
    Friend 2: “My husband can’t make his own lunch. If I didn’t do it he would starve.”
    Me: “Isn’t your husband a researcher at an R1 university?”

    etc. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that your husband is pretty smart. Smart enough to figure out that if he doesn’t do the stuff he doesn’t want to do, you will do it for him. My friends ask me, “How did you train your husband to clean up?” I didn’t, he got sick of living in a pig sty. And he’s a grown up.

  42. Hi, everyone. I’m Charlotte. I’m a newbie here. I love reading everyone’s posts. I wish we could all have the perfect husband and birthday. Mine? We’re compatible in so many ways, it’s almost scary. We’ve been together 9 years. The first few gifts he bought me were custom jewelry. I’m not used to getting anything for my birthday. Custom Jewelry? A pretty “heart inside of a heart” pendant with a diamond in the center? OMG! When I pressed him for a reason, he said, “You’re not like anyone I’ve ever met and you’re not going to walk around wearing the same thing everyone else is.” Cried my eyes out.

    The past few years have been financially difficult for many of us. There haven’t been the happiest of birthdays as far as gifts and celebrating are concerned since the economy tanked. But I know I’m loved, and I try my best to focus on that.

    You know what sucks the most about it?

    My birthday is December 25th and his is January 1st.

    Can ya feel the pain?

  43. The problem I see with many peoples’ complaints is they are expecting a birthday celebration from someone else. Learned to celebrate my own birthday. This year I become a senior and I have saved up for a longish trip to Hawaii. If I didn’t give myself a gift I’d be stuck with a book (which is what everyone seems to get for me).

  44. I was writing about that I put my name into my partner’s calendar and since I did it he regularly puts all his days off work and calls them by my name-days. This is a good thing because what it means is that he is regularly thinking of me. He has been suggesting a romantic setting and I’ve hinted at roses, wine and music. He got the roses, I smiled praised the flowers and said “two to go”. He is seriously considering getting the stuff by tomorrow evening. I told him that I prefer to be pampered only by him. I’m not interested in other guys’ efforts. This is true.
    My partner is an alpha male and he has been badly spoiled by his mother when he was young and the misogynist biker (ex) buddies have not helped. Our first Valentine his mother told him to give me chocolates. She gave him a box to give to me and when I was going to my car he came after me and more or less threw it in my direction. I caught it and noticed it was the best Belgian chocolates made and knew immediately it had to be from his mother. She has passed away for many years now and his training was passed to me. He is still a work in progress. You really do have to show people how to treat you. But make sure that they see that it’s worth their while.

  45. Update, he bought the wine 3 bottles of fine Napa, my favourite. K, so far….

  46. I was actually looking for something like this site and I found it. I wanted to know if I was being ungrateful to my husband as he made me feel. Yesterday was my birthday and I was all dressed up in a beautiful dress. I new I looked beautiful but I had to ask him “won’t you say I look beautiful before he said anything”. Then we got to dinner and I realized that it was at the same cheap, unclean chinese buffet he took me for our one year anniversary. Mind you for our anniversary we didn’t have any money so I appreciated it, even though I was the one who insisted that we go out to celebrated it. When I complained about this “nice” birthday dinner surprise hes said that “well this is where we came for our anniversary and you didn’t complain about it”. I eat my food in silence and he ate his in silence too. After only one meal we left because the whole thing was uncomfortable. In the car he said that I had surprised him because I could just have tried to enjoy myself and not act all sad and disappointed! Really?!!! I was the only one dressed up in that buffet… it was about $12. H could at least have taken me to a nice buffet where other people also that it was nice enough to dress up for!!!

  47. Unfair, but your guy doesn’t pick up signals, so why don’t you arrange where you want to go yourself? “Husband, we have reservations at The Mandarin, (or if you like The Four Seasons, etc) and since it’s my birthday you’re treating.” If he can’t afford it – that is a perfectly valid reason and you split the bill or you foot the whole thing. The other thing you can do is say three months in advance, “I’d love to go to the Mandarin/the Four Seasons for my birthday. Next day, ask, “Did I mention that is really like to go to the Mandarin for my birthday?” Repeat some version of it EVERY DAY. When you see a friend of his, ask, “Do you think my husband will surprise me with the Mandarin for my birthday?” Etc. so that when your husband wakes up in the morning his first thought will be, “I think my wife wants to go to the Mandarin for her birthday.” Also he has time to save money for it. When it’s his birthday, keep your ears open and listen for what would he really like.

  48. Focus on his good points and why you love him, rather than dwelling on all the little crap that drives you crazy- you’ll find that you are much happier if you don’t sweat the small stuff. Also- remember that if you don’t have any birthday candles, in a pinch you can light a crayon and it will burn like a candle for a half hour or so 🙂

  49. You did better than me I got nothing, zero, not a card not a cake nothing, from my husband and 20 year old daughter and 17 year old son. It’s hurts. I can actually feel the pain in my heart. I just don’t understand it, I’m a pretty good wife and mother, I have always gone out of my way to make my husband and children’s Birthday’s special, in fact I have just spent months and months planning, saving and preparing for my daughters 21st coming up in February, so What gives? I think I deserve more than that. They say it’s the thought that counts, well there was just no thought. They obviously don’t care and don’t really love me, it the only conclusion I can come too.

  50. My birthday is today. He didn’t remember. Argued about the mileage I use to visit my family and hour away 3 times a month. But I make my own money and don’t drive at all during the week. I just want to cry. I’m starting to hate my life with him.

  51. Yesterday was my birthday. My husband decided around 4pm yesterday we could go out for dinner if I wanted. He also gave me – wait for it – a six pack of beer (“but its the kind you like!”) wrapped with flip chart paper from his office. No card. No cake. No candle. No flowers. No chorus of happy birthday. No (actual) gift. I don’t really care about the gifts (though if he was so inclined I have told him EXPLICITLY about 6 things that I really want in the last week, to help him out). His excuse is “I’m not good at buying gifts” and “I leave things to the last minute”. Fine, but here’s the thing, we have been together 24 years and married 20. Okay, so maybe you think I should get over myself and accept him the way he is. But what about him accepting me the way I am? Every year (in fact every occasion every year) we have this conversation about how I know that it shouldn’t be a big deal but that a recognition of these special days is important to me and a way that he can make me feel valued. Like him, I work full time. I bring home slightly more than half of our family income. And I do Every. Last. Thing. that stay at home wives/moms do. Including going out of my way to make my husband, daughter, my family, his family and our friends all feel special – on their special days and year round. Sadly, he has passed down his inward focusing ways to our 15 year old daughter too. She did not even say happy birthday yesterday. When I told her (much more gently than I told him) that it hurt my feelings, she looked at me blankly and left the room. My heart aches sometimes.

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