The Key to a Healthy Marriage…

I’ve heard that the key to a healthy marriage is separate bathrooms. I don’t know how true it is but you can bet that I was pretty happy when we moved into our current apartment and it had two bathrooms. For the most part, I’ve found that it works really well for us. I don’t need to know what goes on in his bathroom and he doesn’t need to know what goes on in mine. Y’know, it’s always good to keep a little mystery in the relationship.

Lately though I’ve noticed my husband disappearing into my bathroom only to emerge just a moment later. That’s odd, I think. Not enough time to use the toilet but what else could he be doing in there? So the other day when I saw him duck into my bathroom, I decided to investigate. What I saw was horrifying. He was using my deodorant!

Ok, so maybe you don’t understand my horror. Maybe you think I’m overreacting. But here’s the thing about men and their underarms (and yes, I realize this will be a generalization but it’s probably also true): they are very hairy and very sweaty. Just the thought of using the same deodorant that’s been all up in my husband’s hairy, sweaty armpits makes me gag a little. It’s not that I don’t love my husband and all of his accompanying body parts, it’s just that certain things shouldn’t be shared.

His explanation was that he ran out of deodorant and because I seem to do most of the household replenishing (why is this? I have no idea…I only know that if I don’t do it, we’ll end up using paper towels as toilet paper and brushing our teeth with a bar of soap) and wasn’t aware that he needed more deodorant, he’d just help himself to mine.

On a related note, my husband has decided it’s perfectly fine to just open the door to my bathroom when I’m in it. He’s done this twice in the past month and I have no idea why that boundary is currently being crossed. I have a strict no-witnessing the other on the toilet policy (see above about maintaining mystery) and he seems determined to break that policy.

So here’s what I’ve determined: the key to a healthy marriage may be separate bathrooms but the key to a truly healthy marriage is separate bathrooms with impenetrable locks.


16 responses to “The Key to a Healthy Marriage…

  1. OMG. That IS annoying. And a little weird. (But hilarious to outsiders!!!)

  2. By the way, I was the same. I did not want to share a bathroom with my husband at all – until my kids started using the bathroom on their own. I would rather share deodorant with my husband – heck, even a toothbrush – than share a bathroom with my kids. I’m genuinely afraid of what goes on in there…

  3. Awe man… some things are sacred. Using the Mrs’s deodorant? Really!? What the heck, Annoying Husband? Two bathrooms is the ONLY way. Now go buy that lock – or door jam.

  4. I too share a strict “no witnessing the other on the toilet” policy which my husband seems intent on breaking as well. Really? You had to ask me when was the last time I changed the baby at this very moment!!!

  5. Last time my husband was about to run out of deodorant he kept asking where mine was…I refused to tell him and he didn’t understand why he couldnt use mine.

  6. The key to a healthy marriage is separate bathrooms with each cleaning their own. . .The husbands bathroom should not be available for guests either. . .

  7. Thats just…. Making my skin crawl and my hair stand!!! Make sure you stock extra toothbrushes at home, and enough men underwear before yours become shared property!

  8. my husband sees me on the toilet All the time i dont see what the big deal is there – as for the deodorant : maybe he ran out ? Itcould be worse !

  9. I was LOL when I read this…I wish we had separate bathrooms as well. My husband just loves sharing my things…I caught him wearing my jeans one time with rime stones on his butt and he didn’t care. He tells me that it’s just to feel closer to me. Yeah right..he wears my tights under his jeans, tshirts, pjs, ect…. After my husband uses the bathroom it’s a disaster and it seems that he can’t clean the tub after himself and if he does it looks worse than when he started, don’t ask me how…I sure think separate bathroom would save my husband and I a lot of fights.

  10. i just found your blog and i think i’m the annoying husband in my relationship!!!! help!!

  11. My husband would rather stink than use my deodorant, but he loves to be in the bathroom while I’m using it. I don’t care if I see him, but he bombs bathrooms worse than my grandma. When we were just barely dating, he used my toilet while I was in the shower. I’m pretty cool with it, but the smell……..
    When we shared a bathroom, he kept it pretty clean overall after some nagging from me, but he ruins the toilet after using it and doesn’t scrub it. Now that we have seperate toilets, I’m so much happier. He’s only allowed to use his toilet, so any guests have to use the master bathroom for their own safety. I’m disgusted, but at least I don’t have to see it or clean it.
    Our final home must have an extra bathroom AND bedroom because he also snores.

  12. I’ve been married for six years and we’ve used the bathroom in front of each other since I could first remember. Maybe it’s because we were both military and those boundaries don’t seem as important as our need to bond. Perhaps it’s strange, but sometimes we have our best conversations during those times. I have even used his deorderant but he has never used mine…because it smells like flowers and baby power.

  13. The key to a happy marriage is low expectations. That way there are no disappointments, and anything good your husband does comes as a delightful, unexpected surprise.

  14. I feel so sorry for you! I’d be nuts if my boyfriend were like your husband. Makes me count my blessings. You might as well have two kids.

  15. such a tragically uninteresting blog post

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